My Beautiful Letdown

I am in the process of killing myself. God is giving me a tour of my flawed self. I am beginning to feel how cold my heart is. I can smell the fishiness of my selFISHNESS. I can taste the saltiness of my tears as I cry out to Him. And I’m hearing the breaking of the hearts I’ve damaged because of self-centeredness. I'm getting a glimpse of how short we fall from His glory.

This is my beautiful letdown. I finally realized how incapable I am, how deficient I am. And it hurts. This is painful process of realization. The pain comes first though. I had to get hurt to realize that I need Him. I had to hurt someone to realize how selfish I am and how broken I am but I still have hope.

I have been praying for a long time that God would be first in my heart, that he would be my god instead of myself. My prayer is being answered. Slowly I am accepting the fact that I am nothing but a selfish slob without Him. And slowly I am giving up- surrendering my rights, my desires, my future, my passions, my life- my all. A part of me still wanted to hang on to all of it. There's a war in my heart. I'm fighthing against human nature- against myself
I am barely on step one, there is still a long way to go, but the fact the comforts me and keeps me going is this; no matter how many times I mess up, give up, or turn back, his arms are always there- waiting. There is always hope.